I got your “Stimulus Package” right here!

Let’s face it…

It’s “official.”

“The world is going to hell in a handbasket!”

It was only a matter of time. We’ve seen the breakup of the Soviet Union, the appointment of Hillary Clinton to Secretary of State,  OJ finally getting “juiced,” and now… “The Stimulus Package!”

You know what that is, right? It’s where the government gives all the money ever created, to any politician  who wants it (at taxpayer expense), so that our great-great-great grandchildren are doomed to deal with the debt, and are forced to live in poverty and despair for all of their miserable lives.

Which will probably only be about 25 years, because health care will be non-existent, food supplies will be scarcer than breast implants at a Mormon Temple, and “water” will be that mysterious wet stuff that used to fall from the skies, way back when the world was first created!

All this talk about the Stimulus Bill has got the natives restless, and the “Crazies on Cable” are predicting that the world is coming to an end…

Times are getting tough. All this talk about “Gloom and Doom” is bringing out the “miscreants,” and it’s time to start getting ready for whatever comes. In spite of how innocent that old lady next door looks now, when there’s no food or water for miles, she’ll be creepin’ up on your back door in no time…

So, it’s time to start stocking up, and preparing for whatever comes your way…

And what better place to start stocking up, than building up a cache of gun powder! I mean, it’s not just for shooting “bad guys,” anymore!

But Officer…

It’s not an “arsenal.” It’s “gardening supplies.” I use it to split tree logs and stuff!

Now will you please get all these ATF guys outta my yard? It’s making my “drug dealer” neighbors nervous!

And if the ATF takes all your black powder, you can always make more…

Now, go build yourself a cannon, and you’re all set to “repel the neighbors!”

And since we’re talking about dealing with “trespassers…”

I gotta get me one of these… well… actually, a few… Talk about “Home Burglary Prevention!” A couple of these in the yard and you could take on the whole neighborhood! That’ll teach them for letting their damned dog crap on my lawn!

And, if you don’t wanna get caught “empty-handed,” you might consider having one of these in your pocket!

It’s the “Ronco Blast-O-Matic!” Just what the doctor ordered for what “ails” you! It’s a .22 LR 4 shot – Cell Phone Pistol!

And now for something completely different… um…er… never mind.

Gratuitous Chicks with Guns…

Now go back to whatever you were doing! Go on! Git!!

Mr Titanic? Meet Mr Thain…

Is it just me?

After President Obama denounced Wall Street bonuses as “shameful” on Thursday, the way was paved for the rest of our political “airbags” to pour gasoline on the bonfire being prepared for “offending” bankers.

It’s about time! I only wish that there was a way to back things up, and reclaim some of that “bailout” cash. Have you been watching the news? CEO’s of these firms aren’t being “gratious” about the American people propping up their rapidly failing houses, they’re bitching and complaining because they aren’t gonna be able to afford to keep their summer homes in the Bahamas, or their fleets of luxury cars and jets.

The ship is taking on water and we’re sinking, in spite of the buckets that were hastily provided.

However, the shipbuilders, smelling nothing but greed, can’t wait to divert the contents of those buckets into their own gardens.

And, we’re just supposed to sit idly by while these Captains of Industry get richer, and we (and our children’s children), get poorer.

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has begun a formal investigation into the bonuses and the negotiating details of Bank of America’s takeover of Merrill Lynch. In short, Mr. Cuomo is putting BofA head Ken Lewis and Merrill’s John Thain in the legal crosshairs.

I used to worry about Charles Manson, and “The Nightstalker,” but now…

It looks like Lewis and Thain will have their day in court. It’s about time! If I loaned you money to save your home, and you used it to buy more “homes” instead, (and threw huge, expensive parties, to boot) I’d kick your ass. Somebody has to be the voice of reason here, and find a way to sort this out.

We’ve (or “those who speak for us”) thrown about $2700 dollars into the air, for every man, woman and child in America. For what? So that som fatcats can buy $50 million dollar luxury jets, and give themselves 9-figure bonuses, for running their ships aground.

Does this really make any sense? $2700 doesn’t sound like much, but it would feed my family for almost 6 months. It’d pay my utility bills. It’d make the payments on a reliable transportation vehicle. It’d pay for a good chunk of my wife’s medication. In fact, it’d pay the premiums on some medical insurance for my family.

It’s been said that political nuance has never been the strong suit of Wall Street executives. Although Merrill Lynch is failing faster than a paper balloon in a rainstorm, John Thain’s year-end bonuses to Merrill Lynch executives, whatever their rationale, reflected an acute case of political tin ear.

Was it just a last-ditch effort to milk the cow, before he had to shoot it, for dinner? Or, was it just greed, plain and simple? I’m voting for the latter.

Here’s a few facts about those Wall Street bonuses. The New York comptroller’s report this week on the aggregate data for bonuses in 2008 is providing the fuel for several of the bonfires that need to be tended. That “irresponsible” bonus pool of $18 billion was reported to be for every worker in the New York financial industry, from top dogs to secretaries.

Now, I’ll note that this bonus pool fell 44% in 2008, the largest percentage decline in 30 years.

$18 BILLION dollars! Oh, boo-hoo! Their businesses are FAILING. If I worked at a plant that was losing money, I wouldn’t get a “bonus.” I’d probably only get a “pink-slip.”

The average bonus was $112,000; bonuses typically make up most of an employee’s salary on Wall Street.

$112,000.00. According to a poll I just read, the average American is lucky to make $38,890 a year. And I personally know a lot of people who would be thrilled to death, to make that! So that “average bonus” represents about triple what the average American makes. Oh wait, I forgot to deduct that “average Americans” share of the bailout. Lemme see, what was that? $2700?

If you’re a secretary or an office worker working on Wall Street, you’re making TONS more money than the rest of America, even as your ship slowly sinks into the brine…

No offense, but I hope that you saved some of that cash, because if I (and many like me) get my way, you’re about to become unemployed. I’m tired of paying your way, while my own family suffers.

And if you’re one of the bone-headed CEOs or managers of these Wall Street horror stories, I’d like to see you held accountable. And, that includes criminal prosecution. Your “Midas-minded” activities have only weakened American, harmed it’s workers, and maimed every single citizen of this nation.

I can just picture the likes of John Thain and his cronies saying; “Who, ME?”

The New York comptroller estimates that this decline will cost New York State $1 billion in lost tax revenue and New York City $275 million. Both city and state may have to announce layoffs.

Again, so sorry, but “Boo-hoo!” It’s tough all over, buddy. Perhaps when the dust settles, Manhattan will find another area of commerce to embrace, to offset the revenue losses. Maybe not. Maybe… just maybe, New York will be forced to suffer the same “financial and economic adjustments” that the rest of us are suffering, even though we live hundreds (and even thousands) of miles away.

In one of President Obama’s first tasks, he voiced his disappointment in Wall Street. Perhaps he wanted to hit a populist nerve this week because he knows he may have to ask Congress for another $1 trillion or more to revive the banking system, before this is over.

Let’s hope that he also puts a hammer into that bag of tricks, to smite those who misstep. You can’t just throw billions of dollars onto the floor and then walk blindly away. I, for the life of me, can’t figure out what Government was thinking. They KNOW how Wall Street operates.

What did they really think would happen?

And now, that first shipload of cash is gone. How do you reclaim the money that’s been “ill-spent?” Convictions and restitution? That’s about as near-sighted as the hope that all of Maddoff’s victims will be “made whole,” after he finds himself incarcerated in a Federal Prison, to serve out his “wrist-slapping.”

In the words of the English; “It’s not bloody likely.”

I’m proud to be an American, on most days. But, today isn’t one of those days…

The idea of the “many” being forced to bail out the “few,” to the tune of a trillion dollars, just isn’t sitting well with me. Not at all…

The Greatest Gift of All…

Just when you thought that the failing economy was going to drag Christmas into the toilet, a gift falls from the sky like manna from heaven.

The Goldman’s and the Brown’s received the best gift of all, Saturday, as OJ Simpson finally got a much-deserved and long overdue taste of justice.

Judge Glass made OJ’s future crystal clear; his new multi-million dollar mansion will be a prison cell out in the Nevada desert. The door to that cell will hang precariously (according to some), hinging on an appeal of a trial that his lawyers say was filled with errors.

Saturday night, Simpson still remained at the Clark County jail where he has been housed since his conviction on Oct. 3, along with co-defendant Clarence “C.J.” Stewart. The two men were found guilty of 12 criminal charges, including kidnapping, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.

Judge Glass played out her hand of “Penitentiary Poker,” and Simpson was sentenced Friday to 9 to 33 years in prison. Stewart got 7 1/2 to 27 years. It appears that Judge Glass wasn’t bluffing.

But, OJ isn’t going to have an appeal heard, any time soon. Before any appeal winds its way up to the Nevada Supreme Court, Simpson will face years in prison for a bone-headed September 2007 confrontation, one where he kidnapped and held at gunpoint two sports memorabilia dealers, and then robbed them of collectibles that Simpson insisted were stolen from him.

If there is a bright spot here, it’s that prison will be very taxing on him. He’s been so cavalier in his comments, and his actions, about all the crimes he’s committed (and gotten away with). At 61, Simpson would have you believe that he is immortal and untouchable, but he’s in for a rude awakening, very soon. He’s not in great health, according to those close to him. Finally, he’ll be made to suffer a bitter taste of the same ill that his victims suffered.

And when he gets off that prison bus, I sincerely hope that he’ll be treated like every other inmate. The only issue seems to be whether or not the State of Nevada provides a little more protective custody because of his “fame and fortune,” at least at the start of his prison stretch. I doubt that he’ll need it, he’s already bribing other inmates in jail with snacks and treats, and playing “the big wheel.” I can’t see him doing it any differently once he gets to the “big house.”

Authorities say that Simpson could be moved to High Desert State Prison, about 45 miles northwest of Las Vegas, within the next week. It’s the same prison where a 2004 inmate brawl killed one inmate and injured 18 others. It’s unlikely he would go to Nevada’s one maximum security facility because he he’s not serving a life sentence.

And poor OJ will have to adjust to accommodations far less luxurious than he’s used to. Prison cells average 78 square feet. Each cell has a narrow window about four inches wide and 30 inches long. Most have two beds, a commode, a sink, a shelf and a plastic glass window on the door that allows guards to peer inside.

He should be counting his lucky stars. His circumstances are far better than any that Ron Goldman, or Nicole Brown got…

Merry Christmas, Mr. Goldman. I hope you and your family sleep better, for the next 9 years or so. At least now, he can’t do you or your family any further harm.

That Karma is a real bitch, huh?

Breeding Little SuperHeroes:101

You know, I was reading another blog earlier this morning, and I was reminded of an article I was “expanding upon,” for posting later. Well, I suppose it’s “later” enough…

I read an article a while back that started out voicing my sentiment, but the original author didn’t go far enough. I suppose that he/she (I’m not even sure who wrote the original article, it’s been so long ago) was afraid that somebody’s delicate sensibilities would be hurt.

Well, not me. If you’re offended by the way I think the things I say, or the things I do, you’d better get on your bicycle and start peddling now. I’m a realist. I live in a land that is falling apart, because nobody goes to any length teach the “3 R’s,” insuring that things like respect, responsibility, or reason are instilled in our kids, so that they can teach them to their own kids..

After all, they’ll be the ones burying you…

Everywhere I look (I live in South Mississippi) parents are getting absolutely trashed by their kids. It’s not just here, I’m sure it’s the same where you live. Nowadays, if you raise your voice at your kids, the cops and those bleeding-heart liberal Child Protection Workers will show up and try to haul you off for assault. What ever happened to the good old days?

How come everyone today is too much of a wuss to smack their kids around?

When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my butt. We didn’t have a conversation about it. In fact, “Wait until your father get’s home!” translated to “I beat you until I was tired, but HE has more stamina…”

I didn’t ever get a “time out.”

A “time-out” at my house was the time you finally regained consciousness, after dear ole’ Dad sent you down the hall, upside down, at the end of his arm.

In fact, I’ve never even once been grounded for a day, or a week, in my life. What’s the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day, while listening to headphones pumping out enough decibels to shake the houses foundation??

We got grounded for the summer.

The ENTIRE summer. In fact, it was reinforced by a list of chores that made the Magna Carta look like a hastily drawn shopping list. And, if we rebelled, and didn’t finish all the chores, you ask? Well, we got another “time-out…” WHAPP!

Yeah, “grounding” is a great idea! Why don’t you take your kid to a psychiatrist while you’re at it so she can pull some mythical disorder out of her rear end to hide the fact that you’re a “horrible and suppressive tyrant” of a parent?

You can count on hearing this repeated, probably at your trial.

We didn’t get put on “restriction.”

“Restriction” at my house was Dad holding you off the ground by your arm, while he used you for a speed bag.

Look, kids today need a good beating every now and then. It’s biblical, after all!

“Spare the rod, and you’ll visit your kids in prison on Wednesdays and Saturdays…”

If you don’t beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and shoot some kid in the butt out of spite.

You tell them to clean their room, they say “no,” you crack them on the butt. It’s simple; it works.

Don’t listen to these “Dr. Phil” idiots on TV with their hippy psycho babble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel pink colored room with Yanni or John Tesh pumped through the speakers 24/7. Those poltroons (I love that word) live lives of excess in “Hollyweird,” a land where “common sense” is confused with “old pennies…”  And these “experts” are everywhere! Think “Britney Spears,” or “Paris Hilton,” times ten…

Then again, turning your kids into “psychiatric pablum” might not be all that bad! Hey,  it will make your kids complacent! That way, it won’t be as hard for them to swallow it when they realize that they’ll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone like Bill Gates rich.

FYI: Go read Bill Gates “10 things kids should know…” if you don’t believe me. They should turn that “rant” into a poster, destined to be hung in the room of every single adolescent in America, until they move out of the house… It’s brilliant!

(Hard to believe, I know, coming from old Billy. I used to vilify the poor guy. I mean, he invented “Vista,” for crying out loud…) LOL!

The problem is that kids today think their opinions actually matter. By not disciplining your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality, and they start thinking that they have it rough. That leads to trying to get away with dying their hair, piercing their “naughty-bits,” tattoos that scream out “their rebellion against society,” and fueled by listening to Marilyn Manson or even worse… RAP music. That’s where you need to come in and put the law down. Fast!

So, campers, to help you, the negligent parent, I’ve twisted together a guide to smacking your kids, so that they won’t end up in prison, or even worse, politicians…;

(Here’s a hint: Even if you have absolutely no intent in putting this plan into action, you may want to print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids. It’s good to keep them guessing…)

Here we go (I’ve reworked that “original list” I told you about earlier);

Here are some of the more useful techniques:

Five across the eyes.

This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won’t get a stinging effect. Very important because you don’t want to risk letting your kid think you’re a wimp.

The sucker punch.

Just ask the question “hey, what’s that on your shirt?” and when they look down, bust ‘em on the lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don’t ever let them off the hook. Just because they’re not doing anything wrong doesn’t mean that they didn’t do something wrong earlier that you weren’t aware of. My mom was the master of this maneuver.

The yard stick.

Or for those of you who don’t use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as “the meter stick.” This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn’t last beyond three or four good whacks–usually enough to send the message.

The one-two “Shut-the-HELL-up!”

This is priceless when you’re shopping and your kid won’t shut the heck up: “I’m hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin…” etc.

First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

This technique is particularly effect when combined with the “I’ll give you something to cry about!” speech, at 80 decibels.

The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe.

If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with “she might be pregnant…” or “I can _____ if I want to…” where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc).

Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

The Dragon Kick.

Wait for the unruly little miscreant to walk past you, shove your left foot between his/her legs, and then kick the child soundly in the rear with your right foot. When properly administered, the kid will go airborne for several feet, before landing in a lump.

If you’re interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you.

I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

The skull thump.

A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake.

Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence–I can’t remember which.

The one-handed chauffeur reach around.

A quick reach around while you’re driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect you. Then you finish the move off by screaming hysterically, while swerving the car back and forth for the full effect.

My dad perfected this one. He’d smack you into the back seat of the station wagon, and then stop the car in the fast lane of the freeway, to pull you out and beat the daylights out of you. He wouldn’t even take the time to pull out of traffic! If you were lucky, you could climb the medium strip, before he got back to you! I can still remember those cars whizzing by, as he beat us senseless…

(And other motorists wouldn’t say a word! After all, he was a 6′9″, 400 pound, no-necked, neanderthal, with arms like steel girders, and fists the size of a ham!!)

The “James Bond” walking stick “intercept.”

If you’re too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he tries to get up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who’s boss.

There you have it.

I suggest that you use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like “moi.”

Remember: never ever take any crap from your kids. If they even suspect that you’re weak, they’ll kill you in your sleep! You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You even paid for their damn Playstation! So… you own them. If they don’t like it, they can move the hell out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don’t grow up to be idiots.

Or, here’s an even better list;

Try actually talking to your kids.

Love them openly, affectionately, and make sure they know you love them unconditionally. Do it when their friends are around, too!

(Sometimes, public embarrassment and humiliation are better than a good “pop in the chops!“)

Treat them like you give a crap about them, and the world they inhabit. Show them that the “3 R’s” will carry them through life, with a better chance for survival, family, and fame. And then stick to your guns. They’ll appreciate you for it, eventually…

And if that doesn’t work, lead them to the refrigerator by the ear to read the “other” list, and act menacing… Remember to scowl!

After all, if we don’t teach our kids values, our kids will eat us alive. Maybe even literally…

Have you priced tomatoes lately?

“Soylent Green” is starting to look pretty good…

(If you’re the original author of the “list,” contact me and I’ll be happy to give you credit. Your work was pretty good, but it just didn’t go far enough.)